revisiting the crime scene

I do this often – return to the scene of the crime that is. It is unavoidable unless I want to find a new grocery store, and I don’t. So every time I need to purchase food, like today for instance, I encounter them, smiling cheerfully, alluringly, innocently at all the passersby, including me. The sight of the sunflowers, there among all the other flowers for sale, triggers me every time. I can’t help it. I clutch my credit card a little tighter as I pass by, experiencing perhaps PTSD from the time they, the sunflowers, hid my credit card deep in the recesses of their water bucket, while I frantically searched the whole store looking for said credit card.

Now I know the sunflowers I see today are not the same sunflowers that took temporary custody of my credit card on that fateful day. Still, I can’t help myself. Call it stereotyping, profiling, guilt by association – but the sight of those cheerful sunflowers feigning innocence triggers me every time. I am remined of the panic and fear I experienced at their hands. (well, ok, their petals)

I didn’t realize until today that PTSD can be so persistent, or that I may be transferring my distrust of sunflowers to other varieties of flowers as well. This makes no sense, but feelings often prevail over facts and logic. I wonder if I will ever pass by the sunflowers again, without experiencing some uneasiness associated with the memory of the panic they caused me.

As I write this, it occurs to me that I need to forgive the sunflowers. Forgiveness may well be the cure for my PTSD. I need to forgive and forget in order to be set free. But can I do this? I’m reminded that God does this with me. God is not “triggered” by my past sins, my present sins, nor my future sins. He sees and knows them all – and yet He chooses something truly remarkable – forgiveness. I read in Jeremiah what God says,

“For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” (Jeremiah 31:34)

This is great news! God forgives me and forgets my sins. The prophet Micah understood this about God, writing –

“Who is a God like You, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of His inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; You will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.” (Micah 7:18-19)

If God can do all that for me, surely I can forgive the sunflowers their one and only transgression against me. God’s assurance of His forgiveness, gives me the freedom to live for Him, knowing He is not holding my past sins against me. He tells me this in Isaiah, saying –

“I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for My own sake, and remembers your sins no more.” (Isaiah 43:25)

Shouldn’t I do the same for the sunflowers and remember their crime no more? After all, I want the PTSD to stop. And there’s no reason to wait for an apology. The current sunflowers have no idea what their predecessors did to me. They weren’t even in the store when my missing credit card incident occurred. They were probably still unplanted seeds at that time. (see post – “it was the sunflowers”) So the choice is mine alone. The sunflowers are clueless. Kind of like I am sometimes. How grateful I am that these words are true –

“He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.” (Psalm 103:10-12)

I’m so grateful to be the recipient of forgiveness that I want to be the giver of forgiveness, too. In fact, I will try to carry out Paul’s instructions in Ephesians, when he says –

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

I guess I can extend that to sunflowers, too.

sincerely, Grace Day

it was the sunflowers

I suspected the sunflowers from the very beginning, and in the end, it turned out to be true, my suspicions proved to be correct – it had been the sunflowers all along. Now sunflowers probably seem like they should be the least likely suspects when any type of wrongdoing or crime occurs. After all, they are so cheerful. They don’t seem capable of deceit or malice of any kind. At least that’s what I’ve always thought, until now. I believed sunflowers to be a trustworthy flower.

But that all changed with tonight’s unexpected mystery drama. It started as an ordinary errand – me running into Meijer to pick up just a few things before heading home. It ended with me at the self-checkout scanner, discovering that I no longer had my credit card in my hand. Ok, that requires some explanation.

I entered the store, car keys and credit card in hand. Normally those two items are in a pocket of whatever I’m wearing at the moment, but my attire was void of pockets and it was just a quick stop, not major grocery shopping. I made my rounds quickly and was headed for self-checkout. At this point I passed the flower/plant area located right across from the checkout and seeing a large selection of beautiful sunflowers there, I decided to treat myself to some sunflowers to brighten my kitchen and keep me company. (sunflowers are supposed to be good company, being known as a friendly flower and all)

So I began pulling out different bunches of sunflowers from the black buckets of water that held them, so as to better compare the blooms and decide which bouquet I wanted to take home. My decision finally made after some brief agonizing over which was the prettiest, the freshest, of all the bunches of sunflowers, I proceeded to the checkout line. There I relaxed, pleased with my impulse purchase, as well as with the speed with which I had navigated my way through the large store, successfully selecting all the items on my list, thereby completing my task. I could cross it off my to-do list. However, my relaxed and self-satisfied state of being was abruptly cut short.

Imagine my shock when I wheeled my cart up to the scanner and discovered only my car keys in my left hand, no credit card! I could not check out. I needed to backtrack, to retrace my steps in order to see where I had dropped my card. Of course, the sunflowers were my first stop, but I did not find my card there. So next I went to produce, specifically the strawberries. There I had had a brief conversation with a stranger, a fellow shopper. We lamented together the lower quality and the higher price of the strawberries currently, as they are not really “in season” anymore.

She and her husband were still in this area as I sped through, and she became aware of my situation. She was very kind and concerned, looking with me in the area where we had stood and talked. Then I was off to continue my reverse route in the store. Not finding my card, I began to worry that it would fall into unscrupulous hands who would then use it to purchase all kinds of things that I could in no way afford. I thought of the melting ice cream in my shopping cart. (priorities?) I thought about checking with the store to see if a good Samaritan had perhaps found my card and turned it in.

Then I came to my senses and made a plan. Leaving my cart at the checkout place in the care of an attendant, I went to my car to get my phone and a different credit card. I called to report my card lost and put a “lock” on it. Then I got back in an even longer line to check out. After checking out, I couldn’t give up the feeling that my card was still somewhere in the store, as yet undiscovered. So I decided to take one last tour of the store in search of my lost card.

This time my search was calmer because my card was already “locked”, no one could use it. I definitely got my steps in as I walked again everywhere I had been previously. You can cover a lot of ground in big stores like Meijer. I’ll never know my step count because I don’t have one of those devices, but I’m guessing it would have been an impressive number if a count were kept. So I’ll count extra steps as an extra blessing for the day.

Then, because my eyes were on the ground, I found a penny! Somehow that’s always a big deal to me. Don’t ask me why, must be a childhood thing. Also, I ran into the kind lady and her husband again, as they were still in the store. I thanked her and assured her that things were taken care of even though I was still searching. This time I went in the order in which I had shopped, instead of the reverse order, which means my very last stop of my very last search, was – you guessed it – the sunflowers.

I scanned the floor and the tables on which the black buckets of water filled with the bouquets of fresh flowers sat. I had looked into the two buckets holding the sunflowers previously, but this time I stuck my hand down into the water among the stalks of the sunflowers. Nothing in the first bucket, BUT – in the second bucket as I felt around, reaching all the way to the bottom of the bucket, I felt it! My credit card! I was right all along. It had slipped out of my hand when I was pulling out sunflowers to examine before deciding which ones I wanted to buy. This was the last thing I did before entering the checkout line.

The sunflowers were harboring, actually hiding my credit card all this time. But they did proffer a peace offering of sorts. When I pulled my credit card out of the water, a packet of that stuff you put in the water to keep your flowers fresh longer, came out with it! The sunflowers I had purchased, didn’t have one of those packets attached, so perhaps this was their attempt at appeasement, their apology for pick pocketing my credit card? (and for melting my ice cream, for causing me stress, panic and worry)

As I write this, the guilty sunflowers have been cut down to size and are sitting in a ball jar on my kitchen table. They certainly are a cheerful, friendly flower but I don’t know if I can ever look at them the same way again. We’ll see how I feel about them in the morning. Right now they remind me of the short-lived panic I experienced when I realized I had lost my credit card. How easily my peace and composure were shattered – until I came to my senses and realized there were readily available solutions to this problem. I was not in danger, no one was hurt.

It was a minor, unexpected inconvenience – a mystery that was rather quickly solved. My Heavenly Father is with me in the deep hurts and tough circumstances of this life. But He also cares about my mundane mystery of the missing credit card – He provided the kindness of a stranger, a penny, extra steps and that stuff for the water to help keep my guilty sunflowers living and lovely longer. (although, if I had not decided last minute to buy sunflowers, none of this would have happened – maybe there’s something to be said for sticking to one’s list with no deviation? – no, what fun would that be?)

I sure was filled with all kinds of worry and panic though, when I first realized my credit card was no longer in my hand but somewhere in the very large, very full of people store. In fact, I was surprised at how quickly I became fearful and anxious. And in this life, there is always something, usually many things, that can make you and me fearful and anxious. But our Heavenly Father does not want us to live full of fear and worry. Jesus told us this –

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your Heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:25-34)

The sunflowers sitting on my kitchen table are God’s “lilies of the field”, clothed in perfect splendor. When I look at my sunflowers, instead of remembering my temporarily misplaced credit card and my accompanying panic and worry – I will enjoy their cheerful beauty and the peace their presence brings me because they proclaim God’s infinite care for all of His creation, including me. God takes care of them. He is taking care of me day by day.

It was the sunflowers who hid my credit card – it is the sunflowers who shout God’s goodness and glory from my kitchen table –

sincerely, Grace Day